Providing comic relief in a Democrappy Congress that doesn't have the filibustering balls to Just Say No to Perma-War or the wit or wisdom to impeach the Bush Crime Family for their multiple murderous atrocities... Brothers & Sisters, Lovers & Sinners, please put your hands together for Republican Senator David Vitter of the Great State of Louisiana, caught with his hand in D.C. Madam Deborah Jeane Palfrey's delicious yummy cookie jar.

Threatened with being exposed by investigative hypocrite-hunter Larry Flynt who found the conservative southern junior senator's phone number (he used his own phone?) on Palfrey's notorious DC John List, Vitter shrewdly decided to go ahead and expose himself, issuing a press release confessing to "a very serious sin in my past for which I am, of course, completely responsible... Several years ago, I asked for and received forgiveness from God and my wife in confession and marriage counseling. Out of respect for my family, I will keep my discussion of the matter there - with God and them. But I certainly offer my deep and sincere apologies to all I have disappointed and let down in any way".

If Senator Vitter were not such a rabid social conservative, I would say leave the poor sorry schmuck alone with his God, his wife and his hookers. But this particular poor sorry schmuck is mightily trying to impose harsh, inhumane restrictions upon the sexual freedoms and rights to privacy of the rest of us, and he's been doing it for years.

In the back alleys of the French Quarter, Vitter might be a tomcat, but in Congress, he's a vociferous crusader for "family values." He was an aggressive Clinton critic during the Lewinsky scandal, calling for the President's resignation to "preserve the moral fabric of the country." The New Orleans Times-Picayune quotes Vitter saying that "infidelity, divorce, and deadbeat dads contribute to the breakdown of tradition." Vitter has also vowed to outlaw abortion in almost all cases, even when the pregnancy results from rape or incest (wonder how he'd feel if he learned he's knocked up one of his hookers?).

Senator Dave is a stern master with the kids too; he's sponsored legislation to federally finance abstinence-only programs at the expense of real sex education. Of course, "abstinence education" has been proven to be spectacularly ineffective, in part because the kids simply lie about whether they're having sex, having learned this behavior handily from their elders like Vitter.

The Senator has been particularly colorful in his metaphor for same-sex unions, having called them "the crossroads where Katrina meets Rita," gaily mocking the agony of his own home state in the wake of the actual hurricanes. Vitter is so vehement in his condemnation of all things homo that he has introduced legislation calling for a Constitutional Amendment to ban gay marriage, stating that this is "the most important issue" of our time.

Of course, "abstinence education"
has been proven to be spectacularly
ineffective, in part because
the kids simply lie about whether
they're having sex, having learned
this behavior handily
from their elders like Vitter.

Vitter sounds like an Evangelical, but he's Catholic. He's also Southern regional campaign manager for the Giuliani campaign and was rumored to frequent French Quarter prostitutes even before his phone number appeared on Palfrey's published records).

Interestingly, Vitter first ran for Congress to fill the seat of Speaker of the House Bob Livingston, who resigned after his extramarital affairs became public during the Clinton Follies. While Vitter was campaigning, his wife Wendy was asked what she would do if her husband cheated on her. Mrs. Vitter responded: "I'm a lot more like Lorena Bobbitt than Hillary. If he does something like that, I'm walking away with one thing, and it's not alimony, trust me."

Was castration one of Wendy's prerequisites for the "forgiveness" that Vitter said she (and God) gave him when he confessed to his "very serious sin"?

Well, in any case, chalk another one up for the DC Madam catching another fairly big fish: a U.S. Senator. Of course, she's already caught and pan-fried former U.S. Deputy Secretary of State Randall L. Tobias who likened procuring one of Palfrey's Pamela Martin & Associates' call-girls to ordering pizza.

And then there's that even bigger fish, possibly the biggest fish of them all, certainly the biggest Dick, and I'm not talking about the size of his genitalia. That's right, back in mid-May, you read in this bloggamy that the Vice (as in "criminal") President may patronize prostitutes. When he was CEO of Halliburton he maintained a residence off Chain Bridge Road in the Ballantrae neighborhood in McLean, Virginia, which had a phone number that appears numerous times on the DC Madam's John List.

Though just the thought of the creepy Veep having any kind of sex is like something out of Abu Ghraib, we all know that tales of illicit sex wake up the sleeping populace, while this atrocious illegal war, the loss of civil liberties and all of Cheney's other crimes barely seem to disturb the Great American Slumber Party. Thus the mainstream media, who are the real hookers to this Dick and his government/corporate cronies, has kept this story fairly under wraps for the past couple of months.

But more news is breaking. Apparently, the phone records are confirmed to be Cheney's. It's just a question of whether he got the blowjobs (or whatever) himself, or he arranged for (i.e., pimped) a little adult entertainment for "foreign clients." Whether this Dick is a John or a Pimp, he broke the law that he is so adamant about everybody else obeying. Will he defend himself by asserting that "the vice presidency is a unique office that is neither a part of the executive branch nor a part of the legislative branch," and is therefore exempt from rules governing either?

As those of you who know me know, I believe the law should be changed, and prostitution should be decriminalized. But in the meantime, I don't see why we bloggamists shouldn't continue to hold this Dick's balls to the fire. What he may have done with the Pamela Martin gals (or guys) is no big deal. Who cares what this half-dead man did with his pallid little pecker (or for his "foreign clients"' peckers)?

But more news is breaking.
Apparently, the phone records
are confirmed to be Cheney's.
It's just a question of
whether he got the
blowjobs (or whatever) himself,
or he arranged for (i.e., pimped)
a little adult entertainment
for "foreign clients."

But then this is the dick of Dick Cheney, Evil Puppet-Master of the Fascist Perma-War Universe, Voldemort-like Chickenhawk Slaughterer of the Innocents, aimlessly shooting at hapless civilians, from children in Iraq to his own hunting buddy in the woods. The war crimes he has committed cry out for some kind of justice, and if a little sex is needed to get Americans to Wake Up and Smell the Criminality, so be it. .

And yes, I do hope that Palfrey's attorney, Montgomery Blair Sibley, subpoenas Vitter, Tobias and, especially Cheney to testify on the DC Madam's behalf that her gals didn't have sexual intercourse with their clients. Even if nobody gets impeached, it would be a hoot to see Dick get his balls fried on the witness stand.

And then there's the matter of The List. As of this bloggamy, you can find the DC Madam's John List right online. Just download the records and see if your phone number is on it! Or maybe your spouse's phone number? Or your Congressman's phone number. AT&T: Your World. Delivered. And consider this: Right now, many of America's ethics-minded young people are combing those records, thinking they want to be like hypocrite-nabbing superhero Larry Flynt.

Of course, some of my fellow bloggamists will complain because I've gone after the two Republicans, Vitter and Cheney, caught in sex scandals this week, but not my very own Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa who has admitted to having a romantic affair with sultry Telemundo TV newswoman and politician fetishist Mirthala Salinas.

And it's not just because I think Mayor V is kind of cute (come to the Speakeasy, Tony, bring a bottle of wine and some take-out; we'll have fun!). It's because 1) he didn't break any laws that he, as a government official, is sworn to enforce and abide by, and 2) he has never, to my knowledge, supported legislation to impose restrictions on the consensual sex lives of the people he governs. In other words, he might be a lousy husband, but he's not a hypocrite. Cheney, Vitter and Tobias have done all of that and worse.

Hypocrisy seems to be an integral aspect of Republican Family Values-Spouting Neo-Con-Artist Sexuality. So can we now just quit beating around the professional bush and call all Republican politicians by their rightful first name: John?

Not that the Dems don't cheat on their spouses too; they just don't tend to like paying for it. They're cheap and sexually lazy, so they go for readily available interns that already work for them for free and/or the TV reporters that interview them (the interview is the foreplay). It might be crass (and cheap!), but it's not necessarily hypocritical. Of course, there are exceptions on both sides. But my friends who are hookers confirm that Republicans are the biggest spenders, perhaps because they have the kinkier desires and yes, because hypocrisy is expensive.

Conservative sexual hypocrisy is perhaps best exemplified by the case of Pastor Ted Haggard, gay john and anti-gay evangelical preacher, as well as major fundraiser for the Bush Crime Family. Then there's that page-loving Congressman Foley (he didn't go to hookers because they tend to be above his age range). Then there's former Congressman Duke Cunningham and the war profiteers' hookers-and-poker parties. And we're still wondering which White House resident enjoyed the services of Jeff Gannon, a.k.a. Jim Guckert, male prostitute specializing in military fetishes (Dubya, take your pants off, put your boots on, get down on your knees and put my gun in your mouth. Hooah!).

Well, they've all got problems. And they're all welcome to call me for one free hour of sex therapy. I'd consider it my patriotic duty to help America's politicians deal with their sexuality.

Dr. Susan Block is a sex educator, cultural commentator, host of The Dr. Susan Block Show and author of The 10 Commandments of Pleasure. Visit her website at http://www.drsusanblock.com or visit her brand new bloggamy and post comments at http://www.drsusanblock.com/ blog/blog.asp Send all comments, love letters, hate mail, questions, confessions, endorsements, enticements and testimonials to her at liberties@blockbooks.com. Read other articles by Dr Susan Block (click on the balls): Cheney And The DC Madam's Cookie Jar Madam Julia's Big Black Book Of Cheesy Republican Sex Acts Gods Of Spring Resist The Urge To Surge! Baghdad Cockfight Ends In Snuff Film God Has Sex, Makes Big Box Office Life, Death And Cartoons Pack Your Bags, George. America Wants A Divorce! Peeping Tom In The Bush Between Pleasure And Violence Our Night Of Weimar Love Blue Values Family Values Means Family First And Screw The Community It Always Rains In California: All About Female Ejaculation Springtime For Sex And God The bigO Can Be Yours Bush's P.O.W. Porn